Monday, June 20, 2011

Confessions: I want you to know..

1. We got the perfect chemist

2. I like myself when I’m with you

3. You motivate me to work out

4. I have never heard any Man who is so proud of his Father

5. It embarrass me when you ask me about Geography. LOL

6. It’s the sweetest when you talk about your Mom and how sweetheart she is.

7. I love the fact that the Woman who knows your whole being is your Sister.

8. When you told me that your Mom and your Sister are the only people you trust about shopping clothes for you, I knew I had to stop trying. LOL

9. I have never met anyone who could sleep like you do.

10. You’re the only Christian I know who doesn’t eat Pork, just because.

11. It amazes me how you easily memorize the script from the movies, stand up comedies and lyrics.

12. I felt that I was special when I called you in the States and you were talking nonstop while driving, you sounded so excited.

13. You haven’t changed your Profile Picture since December (:

14. When something funny happens, I wanted to tell you about it immediately.

15. I never really liked eating Fish until I ate it with you.

16. I don’t really like cooking, but I will cook you dinner just to prove you that I can, if I want to!

17. I have never been proud of any of my boyfriends, until YOU became it.

18. I knew you were smart when you can speak better Tagalog than my Fil-Am friends. (:

19. I knew you could be a good boyfriend when we skype’d everyday/night when you were back home.

20. Calamares became my favorite too!

21. I am so glad you “introduced” Kevin Hart, Isaac Hayes, Lupe Fiasco and WU-TANG CLAN to me.

22. 95% of songs in my Playlist are hiphop, and 5% Emo because of you.

23. I will always remember the people who are from Southside Chicago are;

Barrack Obama, Kanye West, Dwayne Wade, Lupe Fiasco and YOU. (:

24. I like hearing your dumb stories about your ex-girlfriends, those lead you to me (:

25. I love that you treat me as your best friend more than a girlfriend.

26. I know that you wouldn’t do anything to break my trust (:

27. I strongly believe that you are not a player, because your Parents raised you well and you have 6 sisters.

28. IF our relationship worked out so well in the future, we should definitely make that business idea happen. We could make good partners and make good money.

29. I don’t really appreciate the songs you dedicate to me, until I heard you sing it to me.

30. On that night that I fell asleep crying on you, you were kissing my forehead all night, I knew you were sincerely sorry.

31. They say relationship won’t work if you’ve never argued/fight. I don’t believe it, because you and I never got to the point that we had to fight, cos we know when and how to talk about it.

32. It makes one of the best days of my Life whenever you give me flowers and then kiss me.

33. Some people asks me why you let me hang out with guys, I said you’re confident and you know what’s up (:

34. I enjoy every time I spend with you and the activities we do; Boxing, Basketball, Bowling, Swimming, Eat.. and hopefully Movie in the Cinema (;

35. I don’t’ really feel embarrassed whenever you sleep in the restaurants, I don’t care about what they think, I care about how you feel.

36. I appreciate how you make friends with my friends and how you care about them too.

37. I like it when you call my Boss, Tita (:

38. I like seeing your happy smile whenever I call you Daddy!

39. I like making you laugh because hearing your laughter is priceless!

40. I put star on my gmail whenever I get facebook email from you (:

41. My friends loves you.

42. I believe that you’re good at everything you do and I support you in anything/everything you wanna do.

43. You look extra sexy on your dress shirt.

44. Even if we don’t text for few days, I know you think of me as much as I think of you.

45. I’m glad your sisters aren’t mean to me (:

46. Even if you are that big and healthy, you know I can and will take care of you when you’re sick, even if you don’t ask me to.

47. I want you to know that I deserve you.

48. I like it when you let me hear your favorite songs and explain it to me.

49. I get ashamed of myself when I compare myself to your Working etiquette.

50. I’m not sure if you like it, but you know I tend to be very protective with my Man.

51. I really appreciate it when you take care of me when I’m drunk, especially that night that you had to run to the store to buy pins for my dress (:

52. I think it’s really sweet when you gave Leon a surprise gift!

53. I Thank you for not judging me whenever I use the ugliest bag you’ve ever seen. LOL

54. I love sleeping in your arms…

55. They say nothing’s perfect, but you are a perfect partner (:

56. I’m starling to sleep a lot now because of you.

57. I hate it when you tickle me so hard.

58. Sometimes I laugh by myself when I think of you and whatever funny thing you’ve said.

59. I am glad that I met you on your birthday, it’s so easy to remember. Since then up to now,

I haven’t told you, that I do Love You.

60. and we don’t really say it to each other, and cos you suck at expressing yourself, I know you feel the same, I can feel it, I can see it, you’re doing a good job in showing it (:

“I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I may not have seen the best and the worst of you but I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a MAN, and you are the best boyfriend anyone could wish for!.”

Friday, December 17, 2010

I'm Thankful this year!

Every year-end, I write something to summarize highlights of the year.
WOW! It's Christmas again! How time flies so fast!

Honestly, when I look back, the first thing that comes to my mind is PAIN :)
I mean, come on, everybody knows I've been through depression and all that. It was
super hard for me, and for the past 6 months, I've been hoping, but while I was going
through that, I've learned to pick up the pieces, put my guards up again. It's funny
coz througout the years that I've known him, all that mattered to me is what he
thinks of me and his opinion, coz I thought he was ALWAYS right :)

I was thankful last year because he was with me during Christmas, but now I'm
thankful that I'm over him. I'm thankful that my heart is finally free from drama,
just before Christmas:) I'm thankful for those painful months, it took me that long
to finally believe that we weren't meant to be together.

I'm thankful for my close friend Warlene for bringing me with you in Davao, I get to
see Davao, with the fun and struggles that we've through, and also, I get to bond
with my Dad.

I'm thankful for the surprise birthday visit he did for me, that was the most special
birthday I ever had, celebrating it with my love one and some friends. Thank you for
making it special.

I'm thankful for the first Valentine date with my love one. I never had a date when
it's Valentine's. lol and Thank you for the beautiful flowers which really made it

I'm thankful for choosing to stay with me and make plans with me. I'm thankful for
those days that I woke up and he's the first thing I see. I learned a lot and
everything was a challenge for me. I know its hard but thanks for letting your guards
down and let me in. Thanks for trusting me your whole life. Thanks for the laughters,
for the Love and for exposing me to real Life.

I'm thankful for the problems we had, if it wasn't because of those, we'd never know
how strong can we be, we'd never know who's stronger or weaker, we'd never learn to
face our fears, pains and loneliness. And eventhough you broke my heart into million
pieces, you still have a part of me who will always love you and you will always be a
friend to me :)

I'm thankful for my family who's been very understanding of what I have been going
through that time, I know that even if i'm not talking, they know how i'm feeling and
they respect that. I'm thankful to my relatives who were really supportive, held me
when I was crying, talked to me when I needed someone to talk to. I am really
thankful to my cousins, Rose and Jerome, they never stopped listening, they were
ALWAYS there for me, always! Willing to listen and give advices, they are the ones
who pushed me, believed that I will go through this someday, they never got tired of
helping me divert my attention. I'm thankful that they're still together, 3yrs and
counting! I want you to know that I envy you guys! Thanks for taking me to Subic
because you know beach is my haven.

I'm thankful to my brother, who, for the first time, took me with him to his
climbing. I know that even if i didn't say anything, he knows that I needed it.
Thanks for letting me experience a very tiring climb, but its worth it, coz Anawangin
Cove is just beautiful!

I'm thankful to my very bestfriend, Ashel and her family for letting me stay in your
house because I can't be alone. Thanks for the companionship and understanding, for
the fun, and thank you for pushing me to train and go back to working out, it
realllyy helped me a lot, go back in shape, and also go back to being me. You are the
first person who made me laugh again, I was with you when I first got out of my room
again, I was scared and you were there. I love you so much.

I'm thankful to my friends who were worried about me, for those who tried to drag me
out of my room, tried to hook me up with boys, offered me drinks, companionship and
all that. I really appreciate everything. I felt the love y'all have for me. I'm
thankful to see which friends are really my friends, who really cares. Thanks to
Anjela and Carla who's always there to listen whenever I want to talk, and even if i
dont want to talk.

I'm thankful that I went back to school. God I missed everything! I was being really
active in school since i got back. I'm thankful for the activities, the Goddamm
paperworks that almost made me give up! I'm thankful for the grades that I got and
I'll always be thankful that my blockmates were stil there, supporting me, helping
me, trusting me.

I'm thankful to my girl friends who dragged me out of my shade and made me meet a lot
of amazing people. Thanks for the cheers!

I'm thankful that I experienced going out of the country. Hong Kong is an amazing
place, thanks for my friend who invited me but never really hang out with me. I
enjoyed it alone, and met a lot of interesting people.

I'm thankful for that someone who took me with him to Palawan. I really enjoyed every
day. Thanks for the laughters, the food that we share which are extremely delicious!
Thanks for being really sweet to me and thanks for teasing me all the time! Palawan
is an amazing place, it really gave me peace of mind. You are my favorite too!

I'm thankful to my awesome girl friends, my second family. Thanks for accepting me
again even if i left you hanging before. Thanks for letting me live with you guys
again, most of all thank you Mayora (April) for trusting me, and bringing me to
those places, you were very kind and never asked antthing in return, I want you to
know that I appreciate you so much, you're beautiful with a very kind heart, I love
you and I will never do anything to purposely hurt you or break your trust. Thank you
Lucky for being the best buddy, ever. We always argue and I love it! I will always be
your best enemy >:) Thanks to my buddy, Gelo, who's always, always there for me,
beside me, throughout our college years! Eventhough you have a big mouth, I still
trust you, and even though I always bully you, you know that you're one of the
friends I will never ever leave. I'm thankful for my sister Warlene, you started a
new Life, accepted things and finally have a free heart, I know you will have a
better Life in there, with your family. I'm glad for my sister Gail who's been really
busy with her boyfriend, I love to see you happy! I am very much thankful because of
you guys. You were the ones who helped me get in to where i am now :)

I'm really thankful I met this another friend, everytime I hang out with him, it
makes me realize, little by little, that he's (my ex) not the one for me, that
there's still have some gorgeous guys who are actually faithful, fun, smart that
could click with my personality. He always pushes me to face my fears, stop hoping,
it won't go anywhere, and that I should move on. I'm thankful that he's a guy who
listens to my dramas, he's someone that I can REALLY TRUST. He's someone that I enjoy
being with, makes me laugh bigtime and never a dul moment with him. Whenever I spend
time with him, i change my opinion for men. I change my standards for men. I'll
always be glad that I met him.

I'm thankful my Grandmother is in peace now. It was really hard for me seeing her suffer.
She wanted this, it was painful for us, but we need to be unselfish. I know you're happy there
with your mom and sister.

I'm thankful I something to call "A REAL JOB" and i'm very proud of it, and I won't
fail my auntie who hired me. I'm thankful that I can manage my time for school, work,
party, friends and family.

I'm thankful this year because It made me mature (a little), it changes my way of
thinking, i gained a lot of experience, I had so much fun as well as pain.I learned
how to LOVE unselfishly, I learned how to sacrifice, I learned to be true to myself,
I learned how to accept failure, and I learned to love myself more than anyhing else
in this World . Although it has less highlights than last year, This year will never
be forgotten, because it was on my heart, not on my memory.



Friday, November 19, 2010


1 day happiness out of 188 days of misery.

Here we go again, back to where I started.
For 6 months, I have been trying to rebuild my defenses, get up and pick up the pieces.
I would say I'm doing pretty well, with the help of my Family, my very supportive friends
and of course, some dudes I "dated".

A lot of things had happned. The worst have already happened.
But still, i have a big part of me who will ALWAYS love him, so i will always have the space in my heart that could forgive him, no matter what. As I always do, I forgive and forget. I wanted to move on, I always wanted to move on, but it's stupid to say because I could never move on if i stil think of him, If i still wonder how's he doing, if he's doing good, if he's sick, if there's someone taking care of him. FUCK! I still think this way, even after 6 months. Even if i know i'm replaced and he's got a girlfriend.

I still think that he's the best. I still think he's the one for me, that we are really good together, that we could be the happiest couple, I still believe that he's going to change, i still believe that he will appreciate me, that he will realize that i am the best, that i am the truest friend he could ever have..... that someday he will apologize......

And then one day, this day... all of these happened.
I was the happiest person alive that day, for ONE DAY.
I get to hear the words i have been waiting to hear, i hear the crying heart, i hear the pain,
i feel the love, the longing and the sincerity. I FELT IT AGAIN, and then my defenses fell down AGAIN,
vulnerable again, scared again, but i just want to embrace the moment of being with him. I AM HAPPY, ON THAT DAY.

i cannot stop myself to hope again, and think even more for the future, my future with him, just like the old times....... but i think he deceived me.
Now i'm back here writing something because I am really upset and there's no other way i could express it but to write here....

He really knows how to hurt me, he knows where to target to get me in pain, again.
I don't know why i let this happen. I'm tired of hurting myself.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I'm going through the worse part of my Life. Being broken-hearted, depressed.. and depressed. I don't know any word that would describe what i'm going through, but Depression.

I have never been this depressed before. I was always the happy and strong person in the group, cheerful, fun, I never frown and they never see me cry. That's who I thought I was, that's the Faye everyone knows. But now, I couldn't even remember who I was, who I am now. I have asked some close friends, they would always say I am always funny, fun to be with, tough, the planner, I always set goals for my Life, and never regret any action.

But now, all I can think of is I hope I could turn back time, undo the things that I've done, 'coz until now.. until now, I blame myself, I regret everything, I am so ashamed of myself, I could not forgive myself........... because of some wrong actions, I have lost the love of my Life. I've lost his trust. I've lost his love. I've lost our relationship.

We used to be happy.... We would always laugh, he always makes me smile, tickles me, cuddle me, hold my hand in public..He used to be proud of me, but now........ we always cry, we're always sad, depressed, we hurt each other......

I don't understand. The only memories I can think of are the happy moments with him, how I fell in love with him, how I met him, where we had our first date, first beach together.... how he would make effort to go visit me, how he made an effort to surprise me for my birthday and it has been the best birthday I've ever had in my Life, How I had my first Valentine's day having a boyfriend..... How we talk so sweet.. how we talk like a baby.... How he surprises me with every new tagalog words that he's learning... and how cute he was while saying those... It just couldn't stop thinking about his smiles and the sound of his laughter.... and how he poses in front of the mirror to flex and brag to me about his abs while I have bellies :) How attracted I am to him, thinking he's the sexiest man among all of the guys I see everyday, i compare and I am always proud that he's with me..... and how handsome he is, that whenever i show his pictures to my friends, they would always say he's gwapo, and i get really flattered... how he would tease me being a Lechon, but then would say how sexy and attractive I am, and even though I look really wasted and having a bad hair day, he would still say I'm beautiful, and even though there are times that I couldn't understand a word he said, he would still say i'm a smart girl.....

These thoughts never come out of my mind, everytime, every minute. I always think about these every 2seconds.... that's why I'm always lost, not in myself, coz I feel like i'm still there, it's still so fresh, i'm having illusions, i don't know what's reality anymore because I wanna live in this dream I've built a year ago, I wanna stay in this fairy tale... but then I see unwanted people walking around, roaming around and they ruin my illusions....... That's why I lock myself in my room, coz i don't want anyone to interupt me from my dreams.... :'( and then I would cry.... I cry everytime. I cry when i wake up, i cry when i'm in shower, i cry over movies, even if i watch horror and action films, i cry in my bed all the time, i cry before i sleep, i cry when i couldn't sleep, and i cry even on my sleep. it's so horrible. I'd wake up with tears on my eyes...... EVEN ON MY REAL DREAMS, he's there, we're there, together.....

Now I understand what's it like to be depressed. I used to think it's just sadness, but it's more than that.. You lose yourself. I am losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore, I'm scared to go out and meet people, i self-pity, I don't care about myself anymore, I don't eat all day, i literally don't eat all day, i don't drink much water as i used to, coz i don't care, i don't care what's gonna happen to me, i don't care if i get hit by a truck or a jeep, i don't care if something will harm me, I drink too much sleeping pill but still it isn't effective.... Ijust wanna sleep.... I just wanna sleep and not worry about tomorrow, ijust wanna sleep for days and wake up when everything's okay already, when i'm not hurting anymore, when he's not hurting anymore..... when we can forgive each other already...
IT'S SO FUCKIN HARD TO LIVE A DAY WITHOUT HIM!!! It's a day without life, a life without life. Now, I could not construct my future, I have no vision of my future, because I have set my future with him, and now that he's gone, i couldn't find my future anymore....

I know our relationship have been damaged too much. A part of me wants to move on, and part of me still believes, still believes that we can work this out, that he will change, that he will love me again the way he used to, that he will take care of me again and not hurt me.... I don't know why, I couldn't explain why I have so much faith in him, in our relationship? Is it because i've possessed it so much? is it because i dreamt about this long time? or is it a sign that i shouldn't let go coz there is still something to work on?
I couldn't give up, this faith is so strong.. even if he tells me it's over, i still couldn't accept it, maybe because it's not really over... I am really confused, all that I'm sure of is that I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, AND HE'S EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS TO ME, HE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, everything seems so perfect and beautiful when I spend it with him.. How can I let go of these?? It's so hard. Days are never beautiful without him, and there goes my Depression. I know he's the reason of this depression, but I know he's the only one who can help me get up, he's my only cure from this depression. :(

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I love You and I can't Love You Anymore

“We may be too FAR from each other,
I may be ALONE right now,
but I want you to know that
no matter how DIFFICULT things can be,
in the LONG run, I am WAITING
.. and YOU still HAVE ME”

A promise, a promise I’ve told you – a promise I’ve held on.
You’re a friend who needed a friend; a friend, who would be there for you, one who would really listen, one you could trust your whole life with – Yes, I am that friend, I stayed even if you left and yes I am still that friend who’d be there anytime you need one.

I thought I was fine when you left me without a word but then I cannot start because I know it hasn't really ended. Maybe I was seeking for a closure. I tried to find you in any possible places you’re in – until I found a bad news. I wanted to show my sympathy, I know you needed me during those times and I felt sorry that I wasn’t there and I couldn’t do anything…

A year had passed and I know I am ok for a new love. I felt great that I was with a guy who’s perfectly in love with me. He made my fairytale into reality. Everything was steady – until the moment you came back. I couldn’t say anything when you called; mixed emotions and unuttered words, the only thing I remember saying are the words “I miss you!” I really missed you and I almost jumped out because of happiness! I am so happy that you’re back and was so excited to see you!

You’re forgiven even before you apologized. Holding my hand while sincerely saying sorry – made me forget everything bad about you. I feel you, I felt everything you said. You want me back and it wasn’t easy for me because I have a prince charming that I’ve been hiding from just to see you. You have told me fruitful words and I know, you deserve a second chance as everyone does. I know I had to sacrifice the other one, I am never selfish and never want to hurt anybody but I have no other choice - one has to get hurt so that one can be happy, and I wanted to be happy with you.

Everything was perfect for me; happy, contented, trusted and loved. I remained faithful even if you’re never here, but you know I never complain – I understand. I was really happy and I really appreciate it when you came back on Christmas, just wanting to spend it with me. Every minute was worthwhile! And then you had to leave again – I felt that a part of me left with you ‘coz I felt incomplete when you’re not around and yet, I understand the situation.

Days are fast approaching. My birthday will be in a month and you planned that we’re going to the beach to celebrate and that I can bring anyone! I liked the plan, but what I like most is the thought of having someone on my birthday – for the first time. I’ve expected too much and prepared for it – when suddenly you drift away. You haven’t called or any word - I don’t know where you at and I don’t know what’s going on and yet still I understand. And at the moment you paid attention and I got a chance to talk with you – there are only 4 things I remember;
you yelled at me, the words I couldn’t bear “I thought you understand!”, you broke up with me – a week before my birthday

So I still pursue what you have planned. Good thing I have great friends that made my day special. They gave a surprise cake with candles lit. so as usual, the celebrant had to make a wish for her birthday – “I can only wish for one thing, and that’s a simple birthday greeting from you”. My day was over and no message from you, but then I still have to celebrate – Happy Birthday! Cheers! Cheers until I passed out and woke up with no memory from last nite. From then on, I told myself I have to be ok so when you come back again –
one of these days, I will have the strength to stay away and I won’t be there for you anymore.

A lot of good things happened to me and I started loving life as much as before. I get to meet good people, good crowd – until I didn’t noticed that I started to like someone else. I didn’t pay much attention ‘coz I don’t want to tolerate it. Things are going great especially between me and him… everything’s fine and I am happy.

Why do you have to go back again? I am not happy to hear that you’re sorry. I’m not glad that you came back – I’m not excited when you proposed. I can't be distant from you because there's no reason to do so,
I am ok and I wanted to keep my promise, I can't leave you for I know I am one of your trusted friends and you, You seem so happy and determined; planning things about us, your life with me on it and working things out together. I don’t know what happened why you’re doing these, maybe you have these selfish reasons, I’m not sure – but thanks, because if it weren’t on that proposal, I wouldn’t realize that I am already in love – with other man and definitely not you. And I can’t be with the person I’m not happy with and you don’t deserve me – I’ve given you all the chances. Yes, I kept my promise – you still have me as a friend and you’re still my friend and you’ll always be special to me and I’m still here for you. I loved you and I can’t love you anymore.


Falling In Love in La Union

My friends asked me, "Why do you wanna go back here? If this place has so much to remember?"
thats it, that's why -
this place reminds me of everything; the people, the places, happenings and most especially, the feeling. Being here reminds me of how I felt before, how happy i was and how I fell in love.

I'm not sure what made me go to La Union before, but it's summah time and I don't wanna waste time spending summer time at home or at places I can easily go to, and since I was invited by a friend to visit, i thought of coming over. I dunno whats up in La Union so I googled everything about it. Yeah! Surfing Capital of the Philippines! I wasn't really sure if I can make it there alone. It's a 6-7hr trip! I asked for a sign if I will go or don't go,
surprisingly, all the signs came true - so maybe, it is worth a try.

So i've decided that I will go. I was supposed to leave in the morning but a friend suggested to leave that time, which is midnight, so it'll be easy coz they'll be off to work when I arrive there. So I immediately left Manila, with my stuff and a piece of paper with sketches of places and landmarks in La Union. As I reach the bus station, the bus going to La Union is full already, I talked to the operator and the driver so they would make a way to get me in - so they did, they made me sit on the operator's seat - beside the door! hahaha! But it was comfortable because I have no one beside me. I was so excited when the bus left. I didn't even close my eyes to sleep! I was just looking at every way so that I would know the landmarks.

I arrived at San Fernando at 5.30am, so it was just a 5hr trip and no mark of exhaustion because of excitement! and so now I met my friend.... .. . Their office is just right beside the Bus Station so it was so easy - the office was cool.
I was pretty tired but we have to go to a market so we'll have something to eat, then after went to their house. Gawsh! before I even reach the house, which is in San Juan, I should walk to a steep road, walk to a few steps of stairs - whew! as I was remembering the hill and the stairs, I also remember the feeling how it made me tired everyday! But when I reach the house - damn it was beautiful, relaxing, open and durrty.haha! and when I walked into the deck - awesome! seeing the sunrise, the sea, trees, sands, breathing the fresh air, smell of the leaves, aura of a province - it was already perfect!

Living with boys never bothers me because i'm used to it, but doing the chores is a big issue! hahaha! Yes, I know i'm the only girl so I feel the resposibility of doing the chores, even if i'm not sure of what i am doing, even if i don't really know how to cook, even if i don't really cook, even if i don't wash dishes, and clean the house - I have done it because i pushed myself to do so - and i'm not sure why - but i liked it, especially when i see them appreciate it, saying they like the food even if i know it tastes bad, even if it has a lot of carbs and they're on diet, even if the fish stinks and made the whole house smells bad, even if i served scrambled egg when he asked for a well-done one and they would still eat it, it was funny because i've done a lot of errors but still they would say i'm the best :)

It was pretty tiring to conversate in english everyday! good thing I have met new friends through them. so I could talk with them in tagalog. We went to their house nearby a beach - awesome! seeing the beach, sunbathing, chilling with them, sounds, it was great!

5:00-6:00pm, its always the best time for me; watching sunset from the deck, feeling the fresh air, hair following the wave of the air, relaxing mind - purrfect! Everything there is perfect for me, everything that happened was worthwhile - and I promised myself I will go back to that place.

While I was sharing stories with some of my close friends, with a big smile on my face, they all came up with the same conclusion that I'm in love - hahaha! i'm not sure, maybe. I am never sure of my feelings towards someone koz i'm not really sure how it feels like to be in love and what it is like to be in that situation.Though I would always want to, but i know its not easy.

As I was reflecting, i saw myself - and yes,
I think i'm in love.
I think I am because; I am always happy whenever we talk, I couldn't get mad at him, I've liked the things HE'S NOT first befoe I even like his good sides, he challenges me and I kept on buying the challenges, he never fail to make me laugh, he doesnt say fruitful words but he is sweet, he appreciates me, he trusts me, believes in me. I realized that i'm already in love when I dumped my ex bf just because he can't make me feel better the way he does, that I feel happy being with his friends because I know that whenever i'm with them, I somehow feel that i am with him as well, that I do not want him to know about these feelings because i am shy i dont feel the need of telling because I want him to realize it and feel it..
that knowing that he cares is enough to make me feel better.

And whenever I hear them say I'm in love, first thing that comes on my mind was the place La Union.
Maybe because that's where i fell in love, and that's why I always wanted to go back there, because I wanted to see the actual place that we've been to, and remember the exact feeling he made me feel in La Union.

I told my friends that when i'm rich, I would have a party in La Union, and a friend said that if i get rich, I wouldn't want to go back there koz I would prefer out of the country, and another friend answered:
"No, she will surely go back here coz this place is special" :)


Love, Relationships, Marriage.

Talking about these issues and trying to be open about these was a huge sacrifice and it took me a hell of courage before I did this. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but all I know is I have too much thoughts on my mind and I feel like I need a written proof, in case that someday, if I lost my faith again, I will have something to read and bring back my faith.

I was the kind of girl who grew up without a faith in the so-called "Family". Yes, I have Family, I have a Father, Mother and a Brother. I don't really talk about them, koz when it's about them, I feel that it's really personal and confidential, I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I am not open to talk about it - koz whenever it was about them, my heart could easily melt from being frozen, and I couldn't help my tears to burst from my eyes. How many of my close friends that I have talked about my Family with? One, Two, Three? Out of my thousand friends. I can actually name them all, and these people I learned to trust my whole life with.

and these people pretty much know that I am not into relatonships or commitments, for I have no faith in it. I have tried for how many times, and yes I am too young to tell, but in my young age, I realize it wasn't really love why we go in to relationships, but it's the need of companionship and maybe in the idea of having someone. And so, I realized, why do we need to go in relationship, when it actually ruins it all. Why can't we stay or be contented of just "having someone"? Why would these people want to be in a relationship when the only difference I see is the responsibility and fidelity that SHOULD be present and added. Yes, I know, I have negative idea of relationship, love, marriage and family, and yes, I know you would think that I have not fallen in love - I think I have. He was the love of my Life, the perfect guy for me. I really loved the guy and I accepted everything about him; good, bad, worst. And this guy asked me to marry him, but my love for him wasn't enough to make me believe in the so called "Marriage" and I know it wasn't right - and it ruined it all.

I've seen my friends fall in love and break down. I've seen how relationships affected their Lives. 8 out of 10 of them have their families or babies already, as early as now. I am 19 and I have hella god daughters and god sons already. I am the girl who never liked babies and kids, koz looking at negative side, it will only ruin my Life and would never enjoy my Life and I told myself I would not get pregnant, would not fall in love, and would not make a stupid decision and I would always influence my friends not to get pregnant as well and not to get too involve, but they did, and now, some of them had a baby and a husband, some of them have their babies only and left by the guy - some are happy, some are not. Some are jealous because they didn't experience the Life that I am having right now, some are completely happy with a Life with their Family - and these are the people I actually envy, koz as early as now, they can handle full responsibility and the sudden maturity,but still, I do not fully agree to that kind of situation at their age. And so, I asked one of my friend is she's happy, and she confidently asnwered me "I am so happy that as early as now, at our young age, I have completed my Life already and I am willing to sacrifice my own Life for my baby, when you mean that kind of Life you are having, and I am glad that I can spend 40, 50 years of my Life with them and my future grandchildren. This is better Life for me", and wow, that was the best answer I have ever heard from a teenage mom.

A lot has changed when I get to know this good friend of mine. She's immature and witty, like a little girl from high school, that's what you would think of her, but behind that innocence is her, being independent with almost her whole life. She would always want to be in love with the same person and at her age, she already made her idea of what kind of family she will have in the future. She would always tell me she wanted to get pregnant especially now that she has regular job, but her boyfriend is not around yet. I would always disagree of that idea! I would always get mad whenever she tells me her plans, and that is to have a baby. And now, she's pregnant and she's really proud! I was the first person she had told about this, she was so excited and I was a little disappointed. We would argue about this, but I stopped when she told me; "I want to make my own family, I want to have a family". I was hurt when I realize how insensitive I am, knowing that she grew up without having it, and now I understand why she was that excited about it, and I can say that she has grown up and I'm proud of her, and that baby better be proud as well when he/she grows up, koz her mom loved him/her every second and never regret any of it.

Another friend of mine asked me why I do not believe in Marriage; Two individual would agree to be together 'til death, but what's the sense if one couldn't participate well? Where is Love and Fidelity? and if things didn't go well, they would file an annulment or get divorce, it doesn't really make sense to me. I was really surprised when he answered me, He said that I am the type of woman who have so much to give, but I think that no one is deserving for it. I would always argue about marriage issue, but this one made me quiet, and it opened one part of my mind.

Yes, I think he's right, and as much I want to deny, I have a great idea about Family, the Family that I will have someday, a family that is not like mine or what I grew up from :( I do not hate my Family, I love them so much, but as what we always say, we would learn from our mistakes or others mistakes. I knew my Mom and Dad made a huge mistake when they got married, that is the main reason why I do not believe in marriage, but instead of hating it, it gave a perfect idea of what to do and what's not to do when I have my family someday.

I promised myself I would only start a Family when I have my own business and stable. I would only want to give the best for my babies, and i am that successful, I would want to have 4 kids and 2 adopted child. I wand a big happy family! I would prepare dinner for everyone and we won't eat unless we're complete, so everybody will feel the responsibility of going home early, and after that we would spend time at the game room where we play games with their Daddy, and at night, i would tuck them in and tell them bed times stories and their Daddy would re-inact it to make it funnier. And on the next morning, I would cook a special breakfast just like what my mom does, and we would eat together and help the kids to prepare and give whatever my husband needs at his office and i would never forget to give him kiss-goodbye. Then I would take the kids to their school and pick them up in the afternoon, and after that I would let the kids play outside while i meet up with my husband to get a daily work out so we would stay fit while we're getting old, and so that i would remain sexy and remain the most beautiful woman for my husband. And when we get home, it's time to do the kid's homework and then dinner again, and every weekend, we would go to church and eat outside and shop. And I would promise the kids that if any of them got in to the top of the class, they would get a reward from me and from daddy :) and once in a month, Iwould make sure that we will go out of town all together, and maybe once in a year, my husband and I would go out of the country for our special honeymoon :) I would fall in love everyday with my husband, and if problems occur, i would never give up and I wouldn't let hate or anger gets in our relationship.

And when we grew older, I would still be sweeter. I would never feel shy of holding his hand in front of everyone, and I would never get tired of kissing him like its our first time :)

It's funny how perfect my idea about family was, but coming back in to reality, I'm not sure if there's a guy who could be as faithful as me. I don't want to disappoint myself that's why I learned to set my defenses high, so no one can disappoint and hurt me. I told myself I would only go for a relationship when I'm sure that all will be in fairness. I love myself so much that I don't want myself to get abused. Maybe if you read this, you would understand why I am insensitive at times, like i don't appreciate things, or sometimes said to be numb for not feeling anything for a person, I'm not, I appreciate, I feel, it's just that i don't tolerate it koz I don't want to fall in love..... But I am now and not in a relationship.

Now all of my perception about staying and not moving into another level is changing as well, it's because I completely understand now, why people go in to relationships, it's because they're ready to take the risk because they are in love. Now I realize how brave it was for a two individual to sacrifice for what they have and take a bigger risk.

I maybe a hypocrite to argue with all these when I know what is truth and what is real and what is possible, but as what i've said, it has become my defense and I got so used to it that I forgot all the possibilities. It was funny how it helped me realize all these, but now, I respect everyone's decision, with their relationshp, with their life. And as for me, I just gotta stay happy and stay positive :)

This blog really made me feel better, it gave a big smile on my face, while imagining a positive and successful Life that i will have someday. Well, there's more to come for 2010, too early to tell. :)